Taken from “Blissful Marriage” by Dr. Ekram & M. Rida Beshir
1) Never go to bed with an unsettled argument; learn to have differences without letting them affect your relationship.
2) Express opinions in a calm and polite way. Do not shout or yell. Learn to
keep your cool even at the most tense moments and learn to be kind to each other. “And forget not kindness among yourselves” (Qur’an 2:237)
3) Don’t idealize each other. Accept small mistakes as long as they don’t form bad behavioural patterns. “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes, are those who make repentance” (Hadith: Al-tirmizi)
4) Consider each other’s feelings and satisfy each other’s needs; never make jokes about your spouse or his/her family if thees jokes aren’t appreciated.
5) Respect each other’s needs even when you don’t understand them. Try to fulfill them as long as they are not against Islamic junctions.
6) Help each other be better people
a. Get over needs and wishes that hold you down
b. Increase your knowledge and help each other practice what you learn
c. Get over bad habits such as negative expressions of anger, bad tempers, excessive eating, laziness, over sensitivity, etc.
7) Appreciate each other; learn to express your appreciation to your spouse for almost everything he/she does. For example:
a. This meal is so delicious. May Allah bless your hands.
b. You look beautiful in this dress.
c. I really appreciate your opinion and think it was valuable to the issue at hand.
“Learn to communicate your feelings to your spouse. Let him/her know what you feel, whether it is feeling hurt or happy, but do it in a respectful and calm way with the proper intentions to avoid hurting your spouse, not with the goal of venting your anger and getting back at him/her.
9) Expect less; give more.
10) Although teasing has its place in the marital relationship, make sure you stop if it’s not appreciated. Never mock your spouse or ridicule her/his ideas.
11) A sense of humor is a wonderful asset. Make sure to not only utilize it properly, but also respond to it in the best possible way when it is utilized by your spouse.
12) Don’t complain about problems; try to find solutions. Take steps, and then get your spouse involved.
13) Show courtesy toward each other, even in very little things. It does make a difference.
14) Always think of the family as a WE business. Forget about ME and YOU. Try to always work as a team. If you succeed, you will succeed together, and if you fail, the entire family will be affected. You will both be affected by any problems. I place this tip in the number one position because I have never seen it fail. Any couple who gains a “we” perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage. On the other hand, marriages start to shrivel when it becomes a mater of two “I’s”.
15) Things are always easier said than done. The challenge is to really practice what you preach. You can only do this if you regularly engage in a process of self-search and soul cleansing.
16) Make sure that the subtle signals you are giving to your spouse don’t contradict the verbal agreements and numerous discussions you have had together about various issues. An area where this gap often occurs is between the theoretical understanding of the status of women in Islam by some husbands and the subtle signals they repeatedly give to their wives that indicate completely the opposite. For example:
a. A husband agrees during discussions with his wife on numerous occasions that it is very important for the wife to seek knowledge and increase her level of spirituality. Whenever the wife asks him to take care of the children, so she can attend the sisters’ study circle so the Imam’s sessions in the Mosque, the husband always finds an excuse, and she always ends up not attending these lessons and consequently not furthering her Islamic knowledge. In this case, the subtle signal that the husband gives his wife is that he is not serious about her religious education, which completely contradicts what he tries to convince his wife that he believes and aims for most of the time.
A wife couldn’t also give her husband mixed messages, such as in the example below:
b. A wife may tell her husband, during discussions, that she is happy with her financial situation and doesn’t need more material possessions. However, she complains on the phone to her friends that she can not buy the new TV set she wants or go out with them for lunch at a their favorite restaurant. She does this often and seems very affected by this issue. This completely contradicts what she has told her husband in terms of how satisfied she is with their lifestyle.
17) Be willing to change any baseless habits you may have. You have to take the first step. “Surely Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change their own condition” (Quran 13,11)
Make sure you don’t base your judgment or behavior on culture and traditions. Always try to have Islamic values as your ultimate reference on every issue. Cultural values could be one of three categories. The first category is values agreeing with our Islamic values. These we have to treasure and use. The second category is neutral values. These we have to test with the new environment. If they are suitable, we should use them. If they aren’t suitable, we shouldn’t insist on using them just because they are part of our culture. The third category is anti-Islamic values, and these we must be fully avoided.
19) Don’t shy away from touch topics. In a marital relationships, everything should be discussed; nothing should be hidden. The trick to discuss issues in the proper way with the proper attitude. Here are some suggestions to ensure successful discussions:
a. Select the right time for the discussion, a time that is suitable for both of you
b. Be objective in your discussion, and listen to what the other spouse says
c. Try to find the points of agreement rather than emphasizing the points that differ
d. Be calm and control your emotions
e. Never use foul language or unacceptable expressions that you may regret later
f. Be solution-oriented. Don’t exaggerate previous conflict situations.
g. Always try to look to the future. Only look back at the past to avoid repeating its mistakes and to learn from previous experiences.
h. Try to always limit the discussion so that it is between yourself and your spouse. Don’t allow others to interfere without your permission. If it’s absolutely necessary to include another party, make sure that the input of this party is limited, is very specific to the issue being discussed, and is based on your invitation.
20) Turn up your listening sensitivity. In the midst of a conflict, there is absolutely nothing that improves the situation as dramatically as listening. We understand that when you are fuming about some intense issue, the last thing you want to do is listen, but when you open yourself up to what your spouse is saying, resolution has begun. It works like magic. When you are listened to, you aren’t nearly so eager to win at the other person’s expense. To be listened to makes you want to listen.
21) Make a point of praising something about your spouse at least once a day. It was said: “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones”
